


Behind these walls, where I fell down

by ThatWALKERKid



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fox Mulder Angst, MSR, POV Fox Mulder, scully comforting mulder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:15:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22290025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWALKERKid/pseuds/ThatWALKERKid
Summary: Mulder thinks about how hard he tried to keep Scully out of his heart and what that inevitably cost him...
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure where this came from but it hit me in the gut, hard. 
> 
> Please enjoy! 
> 
> All the vibes
> 
> Mel xx

* * *

Maybe he deserved this. 

Maybe these concrete walls and iron bars were always meant for him? The darkness echoing his own thoughts back at him, laughing at the turn of events that found him here. Everything he’d ever done seemed to have led him here, to the darkness, confined by brick and mortar; a fate of his own making. 

Mulder wasn’t afraid of these walls; there coolness soothing the ravaging heat of his mind. If he was honest, there had always been walls, erected for no other purpose than to keep him in and everyone else out; some physical, most mental and emotional. He stared at the wall before him, thin slices of light dancing upon its slick surface, and he thought back to the most confining walls of all.

He’d known he’d love her from the moment they met. His soul had bristled and fizzed with excitement, with wonder, with hope but his mind had thrown up its safeguard. He was broken, and a danger to her and needed to keep her safe, he knew that. Scully was important the minute she’d walked through his door, a divine entity he couldn’t seem to quantify but had every belief in. 

The walls had gone up and it was his one constant mission to keep them there. He hadn’t counted on how strong willed she was, how much she’d make him believe in hope again. The wall had crumbled at times and even now contained behind solid walls he was smoothing over the cracks, laying brick after brick; trying to protect those around him.

But who was he kidding? Scully had broken down the strongest part of the walls he had up; swung her sledge hammer of love with such abandon, after time he didn’t stand a chance. It had been a hard road and every time it seemed like she’d gained ground, he’d find a way to sure them up. He’d seen the look on her face, her soul aching in a way he hadn’t understood at the time; but now after having loved her wholly and completely, that same ache presented itself within him to be without her. 

The tentative dance between them had been one he did not know how to step out of nor if he’d wanted to and eventually she’d swing so hard at him, everything came tumbling down and he’d felt free, at home and happy. But now all he had were regrets and rubble of something he’d wasted so much time on. He had no clue if he’d ever be able to fix the things he’d broken, if he would get the chance to love her again. The walls he’d built inside had wasted so much of their time and now time was all her was going to have; to think, to ponder, to regret not loving her more. 

So yeah, maybe this was what he deserved, to be locked away behind impenetrable walls contemplating what he’d lost and given up so easily. Nothing else mattered anymore; there was only one truth Mulder needed to hold on to and that was how easy it would have been to give her what she needed, how easy it could have been to stop living in the darkness and step into the light. The truth sat heavy on his chest, an ache for time to adjust and he knew that it would. 

There was so many things he’d say to her, so many things he’d have done differently, no matter the cost to him. She was everything and now he had nothing but these walls and thoughts from a mind he’d want to change if it were possible. 

The light on the wall in front of him disappeared and he heard the creak and groan of the door opening behind him. He closed his eyes and painted pictures of Scully in his mind, preparing for the beating that was to come. 

“Mulder...?”

He sucked in a harsh breath, trying to restart his heart. Surely this was his mind conjuring up the last dregs of hope he had; giving him everything he’d ever wanted right before the end? He couldn’t bring himself to move or to speak for fear of scaring away the vision behind him. Hot tears rimmed his eyes as he cursed a god he didn’t believe in for this last cruelty. He clenched his fists tightly, his fingernails burring into his skin. He had to find a way to make it stop, to be alone behind his walls. 

“Mulder it’s me..”

Her voice was soft and sweet and laced with fear and concern. It poked at him in the darkness, leaving a hurt he did not want to claim. She couldn’t be here,not really, could she? His answers came when warm hands skated a crossed his shoulders, down onto his chest, as warm breath and lips graced the skin on the back of his neck. 

“I’m here Mulder..”

A shuddering breath echoed through his bones and into Scully’s hands. She was real and with him, like his thoughts had willed her there. 

“Scully?”

She nodded into his shoulder, her lips gently pressed to his jaw just below his ear. His hands found her own on his chest and he held them tight. He knew she must have been uncomfortable, her knees on the hard floor but he wasn’t sure what to do, if this would all go away if he turned around. 

“Are you alright? Have they hurt you....”

It was then he knew all the pieces fit together, even before the last word fell from her lips. He shifted in her arms, an answer to her question lost as his face found solace in the crook of her neck, arms gripping her tighter than he’d ever done before. She smelled of lavender and her warmth like a kiss from the sun. Her hands made their way to his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair, her thumbs grazing the stubble on his cheeks.

“Mulder talk to me...”

He breathed her in, his senses intoxicated by her presence, before he pulled away from her slightly to look at her fully. Her eyes were rimmed red and worry etched its way across her forehead in a deep line. He cupped her face in his hands, a gentle thumb brushing across her lips. She stared back at him with questions he didn’t have answers to, all he had was an admission. 

“I’m so sorry Scully..”

She almost chuckled at him, her grip on his shoulder and neck tightening; tears threatening to fall from her eyes. 

“For what? Mulder.”

He kissed her then, lips trying to tell years worth of “I’m sorry”, of “I love you”, of “your my home.” It was full and breathy and wanting but also laid claim to his absence in her life. He pulled her back into his arms, the only way he was going to be able to continue; and she held him just like always. 

“I’m sorry for these walls Scully.”

She kissed his shoulder and shook her head again. 

“We are going to get you out of her...”

He really wished that could be true but he knew that his fate was already sealed; it was the moment he set foot in here.

“No Scully, I mean the walls around me, inside of me... that stopped us.”

Scully gently ushered him from her neck to look him in the eyes.

“We’ve lost so much Scully. So much time and now time is all I have and it’s meaningless. Everything I’ve ever done has led to this, to these walls. I’ve lived a life behind walls of my own making and for what? We don’t have our son, we are lost to each other. We could have been more. I should have been more for you. So while I sit here and contemplate the existence of what little humanity I have left, I want you to know that I’m sorry and my only regret is not loving you more openly instead of behind my walls.”

Silence bared back at him until she pulled him into her again; her heartbeat slamming into his own, a syncopated rhythm. He didn’t need her to say anything, he could feel everything emanating from her; love, hope, her dreams and a fight for the future he didn’t know he had.

She was building her walls around him, keeping him safe; making her home. 


	2. These walls are ours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully won’t let mulder give up that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a one shot but felt the need to have Scully’s perspective on what was happening 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> All the vibes
> 
> Mel xx (@theQueerwriter)

* * *

He was Fox Mulder.

_** Her  ** _ Mulder.

Every part of her ached with a deep seeded sadness at the sight before her, at how broken the man in her arms felt. His breath was warm against her skin and she relished being able to hold him again.

He’d always held her. 

Held her tight, held her long... held her together. 

He had been right in saying that time had been wasted and so much lost, but she also knew a lot had been gained. 

Things hadn’t always been easy for them, that she conceded, but she always knew he had her back, would fight for her, value her... love her. A part of her had always know how he felt and an even bigger part tried to hide her feelings for him. He spoke of walls and not being enough for her, but she knew she was a guilty party in this too. She’d done everything in her power to distance herself, to make sure he would never be disappointed by her. 

It was the inevitability, they had both known, a fate more asserted than anything they’d both ever done. She was broken too and she knew it; broken by time, the world, by those who sought to destroy her... and by Mulder. It hurt her to think it but the truth is words most hardest to hear. She didn’t hold it against him as she knew that they both were victims to the human condition, hurt or be hurt; no matter how hard the other had tried to. She had broken him too; evidence of that held tightly in her arms. 

Time had not been their friend; they’d had so much together but importance was lost behind red tape, bureaucracy and everyone seeking to take them down. She too, had been apart of that sanctum; the debunk, divide and breakdown of Fox Mulder, the FBI’s most unwanted. Until he wasn’t, at least not to her. He became a solid figure, a keel in her ocean preventing the waves from swallowing her whole.

They were both meant for each other as well as destined to be the fire that brought them down. But as she held him against her, his heart beat echoing her own, she decided; No more would be lost. She was going to build walls around them, to shelter together. This couldn’t be how they ended, how all these years were going to culminate. 

She hadn’t known much in the beginning, herself disillusioned to the vast complexities of the world. Mulder had shown her how much bigger it could be and after everything they’d seen and been through together, she knew that life was always going to be hard, to be one breath away from the end, and waiting for the things you want to happen to you wasn’t going to work. 

She’d done what was right, and good, and expected but now she was throwing everything to the wind, caution be damned. She loved him, more than she could ever express but would do what ever it took to spend the rest of the hard road and one breaths away from the end, making sure he knew that she was more broken without him and the love he’d given her already was only part of the journey; that there was going to be more. She would make sure of it. 

She was crying again now, the tears soaking into the orange of his jumpsuit, darkening it. He held her tighter, tighter than motel rooms, tighter than she’d thought possible; the construction holding her together.. see, even now as he was falling apart he was trying to hold her together. 

“ _Our future is not meaningless Mulder. The time we’ve had is only part of our story. We are going to get you out of here.”_

Mulder shifted in her arms and wiped the tear tracks off her cheeks with his thumbs; a sadness projecting into her eyes. 

“ _You know why I’m here Scully, you know what I’m charged with. There is no getting out. Case closed.”_

His lips felt soft on her own as he kissed her then. It felt different, like he was saying goodbye and as he pulled back and stood she knew that was exactly what he was doing and she wasn’t having it. She stood with a flourish, a bravado biting at her soul; he wasn’t going to give up on them, not this easily, not now.

“ _I have not been abducted, experimented on and made to give up our son for you to give up now. We’ve got a lot left to do Mulder and I know you’re scared, I’m scared, I’ve been scared every step of the way but that was okay, because you were always with me. You say you’re sorry for putting up walls and not being enough for me, well don’t start putting them back up now. We have to keep fighting Mulder, for you, for me, for our son. This is not case closed. Not yet.”_

Mulder turned to see her tear stained eyes filled with a raging fire, of anger and surety. Not anger at him but for the lack of fight he had left. She just needed to inspire a little more bravado in him, to ignite that fire they both were for each other; and she was sure as hell gonna make sure they burned everything down. 

“ _I love you...Mulder.”_


End file.
